Author: markmkane

The Pitfalls of Being a Writer

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I not the best writer in the world, but I’m certainly not the worst; after 25 years of writing poems, children stories, short stories and screenplays, I believe that I’ve at least developed my craft of writing to the point where I’m able to express my thoughts.

 I always make an attempt to write every day; no excuses whatsoever.  As a writer, I make it a point to write in a succinct manner where my thoughts and words are easily understood by the reader and frames the piece of writing with my unique voice, style, heart and soul. 

 It doesn’t matter if my words are eloquent or simple, as long as the reader connects with what I’ve written then that’s all that matters.  Good writing is something that’s both memorable to the writer and reader alike.  Write2

With all that said, my one downfall of being an aspiring writer is when I have to correspond with a fellow co-worker, friend or family member via e-mail.

Every time I’m trying to send a message to them, my writer’s mindset kicks in and it feels as if I’m trying to compose something that should be considered for the Nobel Prize in Literature.   

 What I’m writing could be a response for a party invitation, updating what’s been going in my life to a friend or family member or telling the co-worker a status of a project.  It should be simple to reply back, right?

 HELL NO!!!  For me it’s complete anxiety to the infinite degree!!!

 I’m brainstorming what I should write, selecting words that must be perfect, constructing sentences so that it’s a bit creative and humorous and making sure that brevity is enforced.

“Why can’t I write it like I speak it?!  Isn’t that good enough?!”  For the rest of the world – YES!  For me…it’s just not sufficient enough…sigh.

 I type something down and then I rewrite it to the point of exhaustion; to top that off, before I hit “SEND”, I have to carefully read it to make sure that I conveyed what needed to be said correctly.

 I take something that’s super simple to do and turn it into a monumental task of outrageous proportions.  It’s totally, freakin’ ridiculous what I go through.  (Don’t get me started on Birthday, Sympathy or Wedding cards…that another beast in itself.) Again, maybe it’s the writer’s mindset or maybe it’s just me being a bit too anal, I kinda like to think it the former.Write4

Anyway…anytime I’m tasked with writing anything I, subconsciously or intentionally, am trying to make sure my words come across to the recipient in a way that makes them realize that a “writer” wrote this. 

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To Sing A Song Of Love

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There once was at time

when I doubted myself

confidence lost

hidden away on a shelf

Could I do what I say?

Will it turn out all right?

Will my life get on course

before I lose sight?

When all was lost

with my life turning blue

an angel on high

carried my heart straight to you

To sing a song of love

From my heart the words need to be true

To do anything in this world

I need the love from you

You helped me to see

what was already there

You opened up my eyes

with your heart that you had shared

You made me believe

that things can come true

You opened a feeling deep inside

a special gift from you

The feeling of love from within my heart

awakened, blossomed, it grew

Beauty unlocked for all to share

you set my life anew

Now I sing a song of love

from my heart the words are true

I can do anything in this world

as long as it’s for you

The magic that has found us

the love between you and me

One heart that now binds us

with you I’ll always be

Together we sing a song of love

our hearts forever true

Anything in this world I’ll do

as long as it’s for you.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

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For all my life I’ve tried to be an eternal optimist in a somewhat pessimistic world.  (To be more specific, I’ve applied that thought to my life as an aspiring screenwriter.) Lately, however, I’ve been trying to adopt that to my personal life.

 You have to believe that otherwise your life would be desolate and miserable.  No matter how bad things may get, you should never feel hopeless because better days do lie ahead.  There is a light at the end of that long tunnel, it may be big as a spotlight or small as a penlight flashlight, but it is there.

 Believe me, there are some days when my convictions and faith are tested to the limits.  A bad day at work, an injury, arguments aplenty, caught in terrible weather, rejected for a prospective job, someone close passes away, illness…the list can go on and on and on.  Everything bad, whether insignificant or huge, becomes fodder for our mind’s consumption. 

 We’ve all been there and I know that each and every one of you’ve said the same thing – “WHY’S THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!”

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 It’s times like these when you start to wonder if there’s some validation to all the pessimism out there in the world.  Your outlook starts to look grim and any chance of bliss seems futile.  You begin to get envious of those around you whose luck and good fortune seem to line up effortlessly. 

 Once you get into that mindset, it’s SO difficult to recover; if you can’t, then you become another statistic in a world of pessimistic drones.  I’m not going to lie I’ve fallen into that trap numerous times, enough to the point where I have a plaque with my name engraved there.  But I’ve learned that no matter what, there really is brighter days ahead.

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 Anytime you encounter a bad situation and feel like it’s the end of the world…STOP!  Soak in what happened and know that you are not the only one experiencing something “catastrophic.”   There are millions upon millions of people out there going through a similar or maybe even worse situation.  You are not alone!  Turn to God and pray if that’s your faith, confide in family members and friends, or spend time with your beloved pet to get some clarity on your life.

 For every negative thing that happens, there’s some good that comes from enduring our ordeals.  We may be able to see it clearly, it may be subtle or it may reveal itself down the road.  Either way, something positive will always appear. 

Overcome each hurdle one at a time, jumping over the smallest one first.  Clearing one impasse leads the way to clearing the rest of the hurdles ahead of you.

 Who knows, we might discover a new found friend, gain confidence from an underlying skill we never knew we had or learn something useful…there are countless of things that could arise.  So in essence, there is a bright spot in an otherwise bleak situation; we just have to have a positive outlook. 

 We should instead think of possibly the worst situation we could be in and compare it to what we’re facing.  I’m sure it pales in comparison.  We’re alive and we get to see another day; some people are not so lucky.  Just relish in the fact that we’ve conquered past obstacles and live to tell the tale.  That’s an accomplishment in itself.

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 So when things don’t go your way, just stop, take a deep breath, soak in all that bad vibes and reflect on your life for a moment.   Look around you, look at your family, look at your friends, examine your life for a bit…reminisce on all the good times and laughter shared.  Revisit all those joyous memories and know that you’ve become a stronger person because of that.  Keep the faith in knowing that there’s always a glimmer of hope in the most dire of situations.

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The Gift of Love

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I’ve yearned too hard

I’ve cried for you

You were always there

when I needed you

Now that you’re gone

My heart’s broken in two

One half is of happiness

the other – a gift from you

You taught me how to live and learn

to smile when you’re blue

You’ve given my heart that special gift of love

one that’s grand and true

The feeling of love

you had given outright

The wonders of heaven

I shared with you tonight

I’ve found my love

with you, it’s true

the gift I’ve received

the special love of two

As I stand alone and think of you

my thoughts soar high above

My heart calls out for yours…

and sings this song of love

The feeling of love

you had given outright

This feeling of heaven

I felt tonight

I had found the love

that set my heart anew

the gift that you had given me

the love that came from you.

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

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Back in 1984 a singer named Rockwell came out with the song “Somebody’s Watching Me” with Michael Jackson singing the chorus.  Before I go on, yes it was none other than “THE ONE AND ONLY” Michael Jackson.

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 The video starts off with a catchy but eerie tune and you see an unrecognizable face in the mirror; the whole music video featured Rockwell in his house and every time Michael sang the chorus “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” there was some random person out of nowhere either on the side or in the background observing Rockwell as he did his thing. 

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To this day I expect to see a creepy guy in a white wrap standing behind me off to the side like he did to Rockwell in the music video.

The most creepiest part of the video was when Rockwell was taking a shower and there was a woman, all in black, a few feet away twirling around.  The lyrics that came out during that scene was as follows:

 “When I’m in the shower
I’m afraid to wash my hair
‘Cause I might open my eyes
And find someone standing there.
People say I’m crazy
Just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me of
‘Psycho’ too much.”

 To this very day I wash my hair as quick as possible because I’m afraid that a serial killer or supernatural force will pounce on me once I close my eyes.

 The reason I bring up this song is because every so often I get the feeling that someone “is watching” me.  You know what I mean right?

 That feeling you get when you’re alone; it starts with all the hairs on your head standing up beginning with the roots and proceeds down the back of your neck onto your arms, all the while a cold chill engulfs your body as if you were dunked in ice water head first.  No one’s around but you just can’t shake that feeling that someone’s there in the room with you.  I call this the “chills down your spine phenomenon.”  It’s even worse if you have a pet and they get riled up for no reason and then the phenomenon occurs.

 Lately I’ve been having this feeling a lot; maybe it’s a “cause and effect” from watching too many reality ghost shows or I’m just a little cold.  Either way, my mind is running rampant with images of paranormal entities in my immediate vicinity.

 What else would cause this phenomenon to occur; there must be a logical reason for this but at this point I don’t think I could readily accept it. 

 All my mind can fathom is that every time the “chills down your spine phenomenon” happens, there’s either a deceased family member coming to visit or a malicious entity trying to latch onto me.

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 Granted the latter might be a bit of an overreach and bordering on paranoia but this self-reasoning somehow validates why I would get a chill running down my spine and the hairs standing on end.

 I’m sure that all of us experienced this phenomenon at some point in our lives; some may have felt the same way as I do while others simply brushed it off.  But we all can agree that when this unannounced chill overcomes us, we pause for a moment to decide what it could be.  We choose one or the other.

 I take comfort knowing that my family and friends all experienced this “chills down your spine phenomenon”; regardless of how they feel, I’ll just chalk up this feeling as grandpa or grandma coming to check up on me and making sure I’m safe and sound in this insane world.

What to blog or what not to blog…that is the question

/ markmkane / 2 Comments

I’m not too sure if other bloggers encounter this dilemma but I go through this week after week.  Granted some bloggers write every two weeks, once a month or every couple of months while other write on a daily basis.  For me, I try to blog about something at least once a week; guess it’s the writer in me that needs to do this on a consistent basis.  I’m sure that all of us go through this, just trying to figure out what to blog or what not to blog about.

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 Some people specifically have an area of expertise or subject matter that can yield tons and tons of topics to cover, I unfortunately am not the case.  After a year of blogging, you’d think I’d have a host of things to talk about but that’s not the case. 

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 I think for me the main struggle is in figuring out what to say or what not say.  A couple of instances, I got an idea and soon realized that I blogged about it in a previous post.  Other times when the well ran dry and I ended up grasping for straws on a topic; it felt like I put in half the effort on something that should’ve required 110%.  I never realized the dilemma I’m in week after week; it’s harder that working on a screenplay.

 Okay, it’s not the worst place to be in but I always like to try and blog about something that’s interesting.  I’ve perused other sites and I’ve noticed that they’ve constantly posted stuff that’s cool and mind-blowing.  How do they do that?!  Do they even have that problem of deciding what to write about?!  Now if I could only do the same, guess not all of us are gifted in that aspect.    

If I could only get into their mindset when they’re preparing to blog then maybe I could get a perspective on how I could go about doing my blog.  Life would be much simpler.  BUT, that’s not the case for me.  Nothing ever comes easy and I accept that. 

 Maybe what to blog or what not to blog is not the question I should be asking myself, instead it should be “Do I enjoy blogging?” or “Is it worth my time?”  As you can see from this post, it’s an emphatic – YES!

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Two of a Kind

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Our common interests

that we both like to share,

our little talks

to show that we care

Our poetic writings,

very creative in style

our message of importance –

to have a warm friendly smile

Our insight to life

is as keen as can be,

we look for the goodness

in everyone we see

Our zest for life

is seen in what we do,

we try to brighten the day

to put a big smile on you

We do not let failure

get the best of the day,

we try to find the solution

somehow, some way

We are compatible –

both you and I,

in the things we do

and in the things we try

A girl like you

is really hard to find

so trust in love

cause we’re – Two of a Kind.

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Dance like no one is watching

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I could never fully understand the phrase “Dance like no one is watching”, guess I’ve always loved to dance so it never really mattered.  Never took a single dance class in my life but learned from going to all those high school dances and watching other dancers from nightclubbing or from TV.  I mimicked their moves and then put my own flair to it.

 More than anything, I’ve always let the music dictate how I moved on the dance floor, sidewalk, bedroom or hallway.  Never really cared if I looked funny, I was free to dance to my heart’s content.  Really didn’t practice except when it came to popping and break dancing.  Those were the only type of moves that needed to be perfected so that you didn’t look like crap.

French B-Boy Lilou (R) competes against Japanese B-Boy Taisuke at Jamsil Arena during the Red Bull BC One World Final, Seoul, Korea on November 30th 2013.

But going back to that phrase, the reason why I brought that up was because my teenage daughter wants to learn how to dance.  I thought to myself that this was a golden moment, I’ll offer up my services and in the process have a little father-daughter bonding experience.  How hard would this be; she took dance lessons for a couple of years but that was back when she was 4 and 5 years old.

 I asked her to show me what she remembered but she drew a blank.  Then I asked her to show me any type of dance move and she was too embarrassed to do so.

 I said to her “If you want to learn to dance, you can’t be afraid to show what you know even if it looks weird or stupid.  If you get over that inhibition, then your body will be able to move more fluidly.”  I’m not a dance teacher or professional by any means but in my opinion, if you’re not afraid of making an ass of yourself while dancing then you shouldn’t dance.

 I asked her again, to just show me anything.  There was a hesitation at first but then she “manned up” and showed me what was in her dance repertoire.  It was a bit rough and her coordination was slightly off but was impressive nonetheless.  I commended her for doing that and assured her that the hard part was over and I can teach her what I know.

As I was about to display some of my “go to” moves, she blurted out that she wanted to learn hip hop.  I thought to myself “I can manage that, it wouldn’t be the greatest but it shouldn’t be a problem.”  I came up with a move in my head and was about to display it when she added…”It has to be k-pop style.”   

 WAIT!  WHAT?!!!  K-POP STYLE, WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!

She wanted to learn a dance routine from a k-pop group that she thought was cool.  Now I had to check this out; I immediately went on YouTube and called up the video.  I had to admit, it was pretty awesome but way out of my league…but as a father trying to impress his child, I would never admit that.

 “I can teach you that.  Just let me watch it for a while and we can get started” I told her.

“Cool” was her only reply.  And with that she buried her face into her phone and was off in her little world.

So now I am tasked with learning an intricate dance routine and breaking it down into simple steps to teach my daughter.  What have I gotten myself into!?  This was surely a daunting task but I’m up for the challenge.  Don’t know how long it will take but I’m making it my mission to making my daughter mimic those moves fluidly and in the process adding more moves to my dance repertoire.

I’ll update my progress in future blogs and hopefully will post a video of the end result.  Here’s to a victorious end…TALLY HO!

An apple a day…

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Apple

We all know that phrase “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” right?  The reason why I’m thinking of this right now is because I’m sick.  Not dying sick or sick like in awesome but the kind of sick where you have a stuffy nose, sore throat, phlegm type of coughing, fever and body aches kind of sick.

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Back when I was in my teens and 20’s, getting sick wasn’t a big deal.  I would either shake it off or the duration would last at the most a couple of days.  I felt “invincible” with a super strong immune system to boot.  It gave me the ability to go out have fun and live with unabashed fear.

As I got into my 30’s, I noticed that I couldn’t quite shake off my cold or flu as fast and the length of days extended at least two more days; still felt “invincible” but cautious at the same time.

Now that I’m in my 40’s, that feeling of invincibility is nowhere to be found and “vulnerability” is the mindset that I now hold.

I can’t quite shake off an illness like I used to, the length of being under the weather feels like eons and my immune system is almost nonexistent.

No matter how much I intake liquids and ingest every know over-the-counter cold and flu medications, the process of recovery is moving at a snail’s pace.  I feel a slight trepidation on when I get into my 50’s, 60’s or even 70’s.

Why am I writing this when I’m sick you may ask?  The answer is simple…I have no freakin’ clue?!  Guess it’s my OCD kicking in or the writer in me feeling the need to be diligent and disciplined in having something to say each and every week. Yeah it’s stupid, but in the end I just gotta be me.  This week’s blog might not make any sense or be a complete waste of time but in my opinion, I fulfilled my quota for this week.  Now I’m off to pop more meds into my system and crash in bed for the next several hours.

An exam by any other name

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The other day I was going through all my e-mails and de-cluttering my account by deleting all of the old stuff.  What I came across was an e-mail back in 7/15/2010 that I sent to my friends and co-workers about my first time prostate examination experience.  As I read through it, I vividly relived that moment and thought to myself “Did I really go through that ordeal?!”

I remembered dreading that day but in hindsight I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off for writing it down and sharing a “private” moment with others.  And now I’d like to share it with those that stumble across my blog post for this week.

Here you go:

“I can now say that I’ve officially had something shoved up my butt for the first time in my life.  It was an experience to say the least.  How’d it go you say, well…

 I brought my family with me to my appointment for peace of mind, not that it helped any cause all I could think of was the inevitable.  As usual, I got called in for a pre-check: weigh in, temperature, high blood pressure and then was sent back out to wait.  On any other visit that would be fine but today it was hell.  Visions of what to expect raced through my mind…would it hurt, how long would the drilling be, would it hurt, what position am I gonna be in, would it hurt…things of that nature.

 When I got called in and led to my examination room, I thought to myself “Everyone goes through this type of examination in some shape or form.  So cowboy up and get it done!” 

 As I was waiting in the exam room, the cowboy got the hell outta Dodge and I was left with my own thoughts again.

 My doctor came in, as usual all smiles, and I was ready to do this.  He began by opening up my records and talking about the results of my blood test…LDL, HDL levels, the kidneys, the liver and so on and so forth.  Asked how I was doing, my workout routine, nutrition, any problems with vision, hearing, bowel movements.  What the hell is with all of this talking?!  Can’t we just do it and then talk later? 

 The doctor, still all smiles, went through the usual routine of checking the eyes, ears, nose, throat, breathing, reflexes, feeling lymph nodes and all over my mid-section.  At this point in time, all that I could compare this examination to was the routine of sex.  Yes, even at a juncture like this that “every 7 seconds” rule is still present.  (According to studies, men think about sex every 7 seconds…yeah right, as if.  More like 5 in my opinion.) The talking at the beginning was chit chat, and now all this touchy feely thing is fore play. 

 Finally when he was satisfied, he opened a drawer and started laying some contents onto a table.  A roll of toilet paper which he unravelled, a little packet, gloves and a tube of surgical lubricant from which he squeezed a big glob.  KA-PACK!…on went the gloves and “Take off your pants” was heard.  I briefly saw his face and what pissed me off a little was that he was still all smiles.  What a frickin’ bastard!

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 He told me to turn around, face the wall, and bend down and put my elbows on the bed.  “Holy shit here we go!”  For a nano-second, I remembered that just the other night on cable, I had seen a scene like this on a soft core porn movie.  (Every 7 seconds again.) 

 As he spread my butt cheeks, all I could think about was trying to find “my happy place.”   As that finger went in, any hopes of finding “my happy place” went out the door.  Although it lasted for about 5-7 seconds, the theory of relativity kicked in and it felt longer.  He put a sample of stool onto the packet and the result was negative.  My prostate was normal and I don’t have anything to worry about; he showed me a model of what he was doing while he was playing roto-rooter. 

 With that he wanted to schedule me for another exam like this next year.  Next year?!  I asked him that if I had nothing to worry about why do I have to come back again.  Couldn’t this be done every 5 years?  I guess when you pass 40 these things need to be done.  Shit–fine then! 

 I left the room, walking just slightly different than how I came in, and feeling a bit strange for the experience.  No wait…that was just an urge to wipe off all that excess lube still in my butt crack. 

 Anyway I just wanted to share and figured it would be therapeutic to let it all out.”