I’ve been hurt too many times…
too much to count
I’m scared,
because I’m starting to feel cold inside
To have no feelings for another
is the most scariest thing to experience
That’s why I keep trying so hard
I keep coming back for more punishment,
for more heartbreak
Because to lose that feeling of caring
caring for someone…
means to die inside
Losing all the wonderful qualities
of one’s self –
Lost forever in a world of darkness.
As I rummaged through the closet looking for something that I can’t even remember, I stumbled upon my Filofax. Yes, I did say Filofax.
For those born in the 21st century, it’s a small looking folder that contains a calendar, day planner, notepad, plastic sleeves, ruler, pen holder, calculator, etc… Basically it’s a personal organizer that helps you to manage your time, appointments, meetings and tasks.
It’s really a folder that you write down all the things you need or want to do on a given day and reference it when you can’t recall what it is you were supposed to do.
Back in the 90’s it was a real popular thing to have but I resisted the urge to have one because I felt it “dumbed” you down and made you prone to not using your brain to remember things.
When I saw the movie “Taking Care of Business” with Jim Belushi and Charles Grodin, my views on the Filofax changed. I somehow became obsessed with owning a Filofax, even though I had no need for one. I caved in and bought one to my delight; “I HAD A FILOFAX AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERED!”
Since I was in college, I had nothing on my plate except for my classes; I spent money on this thing so I felt like I had to write something in the Filofax to validate me buying the damn thing.
I jotted down my class times even though I already knew the schedule by heart. I could not think of a single thing to put in it; one fateful day while in class, as the professor was droning on about God knows what, I wondered what I wanted to accomplish in my life. Now I know that people make bucket lists all the time, but I started to do this when it wasn’t something popularly spoken.
One day I had one goal, the next day another and the next day another. Soon I ended up with 4 and a half pages of things I wanted to accomplish or “Life Goals” as I called it, since I didn’t really know what a bucket list was at the time.
My list wasn’t extreme like going skydiving, bungee jumping, swimming with sharks or climbing Mount Everest; my goals centered around my career in being an established writer, getting literary representation, sell my screenplays, finding a soulmate, getting married and buying a house just to name a few.
It wasn’t exciting or glamorous but they were “MY” goals; they were all attainable only if I was committed to seeing it through. As the years flew by, that Filofax of mine soon became a fixture in an obscure corner of a book shelf and then somehow ended up in storage within my closet.
Don’t ask me how or why that had occurred, but it did. I guess somewhere along in my life things happened that caused me to forget about what I had wanted to accomplish.
So cut to the present and back to the start of this post, when I stumbled across this decrepit Filofax I immediately opened it and rifled through the pages to where I scribbled my “Life Goals”.
As I looked through the list I made 20 some odd years ago, I grabbed a pen and started to check off what I had accomplished. The ones that were accomplished put a smile on my face and satisfaction rippled down my spine. 
As for the ones that I didn’t do, I paused for a moment to wonder why that was. Clearly it was something that I can still do. “What’s stopping me?” is all that I could think of. I felt that it was still a “Life Goal” that I still want to attain.
As of this writing, I am trying my best to see things through and accomplish what I set out to do when I was a young man in college. With a little luck, hard work and dogged determination, I know I’ll check off every single one of my “Life Goals” before I take leave of this Earth.
My Friend…
Today you’ve left a space in my heart
a void that not anyone can make
To do this one has to unselfishly give of one’s self
You did just that and more
You gave yourself freely,
shown your love openly and unbiased,
gave your ear for someone to bend
and comforted a cold and lonely body
with your warmth and tenderness
Your companionship is unmatched
and your heart is forever captured
right here in my private treasure chest
where your love is kept safe
until it is ready to be freely shared
to the one who’s worthy and unselfish,
the one who will learn as well as accept
the gift of unconditional love
But until that time comes
my heart will not be whole,
for the space that was left
will be a most tremendous task to fill
Because the love that I’ve received
is but one of a kind
that is unique only to you,
…My Friend.
If you were born and raised in Hawaii, the pidgin language became a part of your everyday conversation. It’s like slang words that were created here in Hawaii that “all” the locals tend to speak. Even if you spoke perfect English, chances are a few pidgin words would creep in, unconsciously, as you’re speaking.
Everyone from every state has their own slang words that seem like a foreign language to those that are visiting their state.
Why am I bringing this up you may ask? The other day, I overheard a colleague mentioning that she saw her favorite actor vacationing down here but was too afraid to go up and get a picture with him, let alone saying hi.
When I heard this I thought to myself, “Why would you be afraid to do so?” When are you ever going to get the chance to meet your favorite actor/actress/sports athlete ever again? You’ll always regret for not doing so.
Growing up in Hawaii, I was always accustomed to hearing “Chance ‘um!” uttered among the people around me. “Chance ‘um” is a phrase in the pidgin language that means “Go for it!” or “No shame, take a chance.”
What’s the worst thing that famous person would say to you if you approached him/her, “I will cut your eyes out and burn your house down!” I think not! The absolute worst would be “No” or “Sorry, I don’t want to be bothered right now.”
You’d be surprised as to how many famous A, B, C or D-list celebrities would welcome an adoring fan. Granted there are those that would just turn you away but “SO WHAT!” These famous people are just regular human beings who just so happen to appear on TV or play in the biggest sports arena in the world. If you are courteous in your approach, chances are they’ll reciprocate in kind.
When I was young, I got the chance to meet one of my favorite AND my very first celebrity, Jack Lord, at Ala Moana Shopping Center with my father.
Jack was an imposing man with a stern gaze; he looked liked the Steve McGarrett from the original Hawaii Five-O I remembered watching on TV. I was so scared of him that I squirted his pants with my water gun and hid behind my father. Suffice to say, my dad, being the cool cat that he is, played it off and told him that he was my favorite actor on TV. Jack, flashed a really big smile and got down on his knee to greet me at eye level; he shook my hand and then lifted me up so that my dad could take a picture of me with him. Lucky for me I had a dad whose hobby was none other than photography. He turned out to be super nice and gracious.
When I was in college, I worked part-time at Ala Moana Shopping Center and ironically got a second chance to meet another celebrity. There was a crowd within Shirokiya‘s electronic department; being the curious type, I worked my way through to see what all the commotion was about. It was none other than Stevie Wonder with his assistant at the counter. 
THIS WAS STEVIE WONDER!!! I was a bit puzzled as to why no one was approaching him, all I could think of was we were all in awe of this legend that we all had cold feet.
I was in shock as well to be so close to a man whose songs were known worldwide, but suddenly things changed when that phrase “Chance ‘um” popped up in my subconscious. I felt like what the hell, what do I have to lose. THIS WAS STEVIE WONDER!!! So I got bold and went up to him, told him that I loved his songs and to keep up the good work. He stuck out his hand, trying to meet with mine; stupid me, in my excitement I totally forgot that he was blind and trying to find my hand. I then left feeling totally overwhelmed from the experience and in hindsight wished we had cellphones back then so I could have gotten a picture of the experience.
Since then whenever I had an opportunity to meet a celebrity, the phrase “Chance ‘um” came into play. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity so don’t pass it up. Over the years I got a chance to meet a host of known people and was fortunate that all of them were super nice and down to earth about me “respectfully fawning over their celebrity status.
All I can say is that if you ever have a chance encounter with any A, B, C or D-List celebrity and you want to meet them but hesitant to do anything about it, “No be scared, CHANCE’ UM!“
You just might have an awesome experience with that “somewhat famous” person and be the envy of your friends and family.
Here are just some of the people who were SUPER NICE and took a picture with me.
Mariska Hargitay
Ron Howard
Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa
Rick Hoffman
Jorge Garcia
Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell
Kenny G
Craig Robinson
Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong
I’ve always wondered what I would do if I somehow got a letter from my future self whether it be magically or in a sci-fi type manner. Would I take heed or completely blow it off? Will it affect the outcome of my future self if I go in an opposite direction? Ah the endless possibilities.
I could dwell on the many outcomes but the one thing that fascinates me the most is if I had to craft a letter to my younger self, specifically my teenage self.
What would I write?
What do you say to a teenage boy who “thinks he knows everything”?
Choosing the perfect words to convey what I want my teenage self to know is truly daunting. I’d probably overthink things and my prose would be just mindless ramblings.
It would have to be short, simple and straight to the point, because if you really think about it a teenager doesn’t really have the time to read something that looks like a page from a boring novel.
If I had to write a letter to my younger self, it would just be something that’s spontaneous and from the heart. And this is how it would go:
Dear Teenage Mark,
When I look at you, I see someone with so much potential. Don’t stifle that, don’t limit yourself and settle for what’s the easiest. Sometimes taking the most difficult and challenging path is the one that will be the most gratifying.
There are going to be tough times ahead, so feel free to lean on others for support. You don’t have to go through it alone. The words of wisdom and unconditional love of others is what will give you the strength to endure everything.
Take the time to step back and savor the moments, even the most mundane one. It may look like nothing to you now but as you get older, you’re going to wish you could relive those memories.
Don’t be afraid to try new things! Step out of your comfort zone and experience life. There’s a world out there beyond the five feet in front of you. AND if you start something…DON’T QUIT! See it through till the end.
I strongly suggest that you listen to other people who know more than you because it is sound advice. You DON’T know it all and if you think you do…you’re truly a dumb ass. Cut that out before I travel back in time to slap some sense into you.
You’re going to meet a lot of people, just remember that not every one of them is going to like you. And you’re not going to like every one of them. That’s okay! Just don’t be afraid to express your opinions around them, you’ll be better off for doing so.
Friends will come and go in certain chapters of your life so learn from your experiences with them because they’ll help to shape a part of your personality.
Lastly, pursue your dream of writing with extreme vim and vigor. DON’T obsess over finding representation or getting published, it is not the “be-all and end-all” of your writing…it will come in time. (With a lot of luck and sheer dogged determination!) All those writing classes that you’re contemplating on taking…DO IT…it’ll help you in more ways than you know. So start NOW…write constantly so that you find your voice, develop your unique writing style, build your passion and expand your imagination.
You are in store for one hell of a ride, so embrace everything that comes your way and keep your eyes wide open so that you won’t miss a thing. It’ll all be worth it.
Be yourself and be eternally optimistic.
Stay Strong!
Mark
“As you look towards the future
forget not the past
Savor the present
for in your memories they’ll last
There’ll be times in life
where things may be unclear,
just grit your teeth, head straight forward
and show you have no fear
There will also be days
when everyone brings you down,
so just remember my smile
like that of a cheerful clown
Remember the good times
shared between you and me,
and spread all of the happiness
to everyone you see.”
There once was at time
when I doubted myself
confidence lost
hidden away on a shelf
Could I do what I say?
Will it turn out all right?
Will my life get on course
before I lose sight?
When all was lost
with my life turning blue
an angel on high
carried my heart straight to you
To sing a song of love
From my heart the words need to be true
To do anything in this world
I need the love from you
You helped me to see
what was already there
You opened up my eyes
with your heart that you had shared
You made me believe
that things can come true
You opened a feeling deep inside
a special gift from you
The feeling of love from within my heart
awakened, blossomed, it grew
Beauty unlocked for all to share
you set my life anew
Now I sing a song of love
from my heart the words are true
I can do anything in this world
as long as it’s for you
The magic that has found us
the love between you and me
One heart that now binds us
with you I’ll always be
Together we sing a song of love
our hearts forever true
Anything in this world I’ll do
as long as it’s for you.
I’ve yearned too hard
I’ve cried for you
You were always there
when I needed you
Now that you’re gone
My heart’s broken in two
One half is of happiness
the other – a gift from you
You taught me how to live and learn
to smile when you’re blue
You’ve given my heart that special gift of love
one that’s grand and true
The feeling of love
you had given outright
The wonders of heaven
I shared with you tonight
I’ve found my love
with you, it’s true
the gift I’ve received
the special love of two
As I stand alone and think of you
my thoughts soar high above
My heart calls out for yours…
and sings this song of love
The feeling of love
you had given outright
This feeling of heaven
I felt tonight
I had found the love
that set my heart anew
the gift that you had given me
the love that came from you.
Back in 1984 a singer named Rockwell came out with the song “Somebody’s Watching Me” with Michael Jackson singing the chorus. Before I go on, yes it was none other than “THE ONE AND ONLY” Michael Jackson.
The video starts off with a catchy but eerie tune and you see an unrecognizable face in the mirror; the whole music video featured Rockwell in his house and every time Michael sang the chorus “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” there was some random person out of nowhere either on the side or in the background observing Rockwell as he did his thing.
To this day I expect to see a creepy guy in a white wrap standing behind me off to the side like he did to Rockwell in the music video.
The most creepiest part of the video was when Rockwell was taking a shower and there was a woman, all in black, a few feet away twirling around. The lyrics that came out during that scene was as follows:
“When I’m in the shower
I’m afraid to wash my hair
‘Cause I might open my eyes
And find someone standing there.
People say I’m crazy
Just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me of
‘Psycho’ too much.”
To this very day I wash my hair as quick as possible because I’m afraid that a serial killer or supernatural force will pounce on me once I close my eyes.
The reason I bring up this song is because every so often I get the feeling that someone “is watching” me. You know what I mean right?
That feeling you get when you’re alone; it starts with all the hairs on your head standing up beginning with the roots and proceeds down the back of your neck onto your arms, all the while a cold chill engulfs your body as if you were dunked in ice water head first. No one’s around but you just can’t shake that feeling that someone’s there in the room with you. I call this the “chills down your spine phenomenon.” It’s even worse if you have a pet and they get riled up for no reason and then the phenomenon occurs.
Lately I’ve been having this feeling a lot; maybe it’s a “cause and effect” from watching too many reality ghost shows or I’m just a little cold. Either way, my mind is running rampant with images of paranormal entities in my immediate vicinity.
What else would cause this phenomenon to occur; there must be a logical reason for this but at this point I don’t think I could readily accept it.
All my mind can fathom is that every time the “chills down your spine phenomenon” happens, there’s either a deceased family member coming to visit or a malicious entity trying to latch onto me.
Granted the latter might be a bit of an overreach and bordering on paranoia but this self-reasoning somehow validates why I would get a chill running down my spine and the hairs standing on end.
I’m sure that all of us experienced this phenomenon at some point in our lives; some may have felt the same way as I do while others simply brushed it off. But we all can agree that when this unannounced chill overcomes us, we pause for a moment to decide what it could be. We choose one or the other.
I take comfort knowing that my family and friends all experienced this “chills down your spine phenomenon”; regardless of how they feel, I’ll just chalk up this feeling as grandpa or grandma coming to check up on me and making sure I’m safe and sound in this insane world.
I’m not too sure if other bloggers encounter this dilemma but I go through this week after week. Granted some bloggers write every two weeks, once a month or every couple of months while other write on a daily basis. For me, I try to blog about something at least once a week; guess it’s the writer in me that needs to do this on a consistent basis. I’m sure that all of us go through this, just trying to figure out what to blog or what not to blog about.
Some people specifically have an area of expertise or subject matter that can yield tons and tons of topics to cover, I unfortunately am not the case. After a year of blogging, you’d think I’d have a host of things to talk about but that’s not the case.
I think for me the main struggle is in figuring out what to say or what not say. A couple of instances, I got an idea and soon realized that I blogged about it in a previous post. Other times when the well ran dry and I ended up grasping for straws on a topic; it felt like I put in half the effort on something that should’ve required 110%. I never realized the dilemma I’m in week after week; it’s harder that working on a screenplay.
Okay, it’s not the worst place to be in but I always like to try and blog about something that’s interesting. I’ve perused other sites and I’ve noticed that they’ve constantly posted stuff that’s cool and mind-blowing. How do they do that?! Do they even have that problem of deciding what to write about?! Now if I could only do the same, guess not all of us are gifted in that aspect.
If I could only get into their mindset when they’re preparing to blog then maybe I could get a perspective on how I could go about doing my blog. Life would be much simpler. BUT, that’s not the case for me. Nothing ever comes easy and I accept that.
Maybe what to blog or what not to blog is not the question I should be asking myself, instead it should be “Do I enjoy blogging?” or “Is it worth my time?” As you can see from this post, it’s an emphatic – YES!
Midlife, Maniacal & Me 