Almost, But Not Quite There Yet

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When life throws you a curve, what do you do?  We are faced with making many decisions on a daily basis, some minor, others life-changing ones.  How do you decide which course of action to take?  Do you rush into it with emotions running high?  Do you take a step back and think things through?

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Lately, I’ve been pondering the decisions that I’ve made within the past several months.  Were they good ones…well it’s hard to say.  From my perspective, it might’ve been the wrong ones.  I think the past several decisions were based purely on emotions and in hindsight I should’ve taken a breather before jumping headlong into a predicament that exacerbated what was already a stressful situation.

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As always, I live and learn.  My comfort is in the fact that I have the power to do something about it and that it’s not something that’ll last forever.  No matter how bad the situation I’m in, I’ll find a way to resolve it.  I just need to look for the little signs that God has placed for me to find.  Once I can identify them and learn from it then it’ll be when I can move on.  Life is way too short to just give up and be content with where you are.

Granted I’ve made mistakes that led me to where I am today, but I have faith that this is the path that God designed for me.  I am eternally hopeful that this will ultimately lead me to where I was truly meant to be.  As long as I keep the faith, stay positive and persevere, I’ll be just fine.   

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Mid-Life Reflections #6

Live

Recently I’ve been contemplating life and reminiscing about my younger self.  When I was in my early teens on up into my 20’s, I used to wonder how I measured up to others in the world.  I would readily compare myself to family, friends, colleagues or working professionals; did I make a certain amount of income, hold a respected position in a company, have a high status in society or did something that was of importance or value to the public? 

I did my utmost to emulate them but to no avail.  I sold myself on a bill of goods that I knew was unattainable.  Why was it impossible?  It’s because they were living their life and pursuing their goals and dreams.  I had forgotten all about what I wanted to do with myself.  I was so busy worrying about catching up to them that I flat out ignored my passion, my dreams. 

When I finally woke up, I realized that I had a new lease on life.  My trajectory in this world was on a different course from everyone all together and it was my goal to make it happen.  I cared less about the status, fame and wealth of others and started to explore new things, take chances, make tons of mistakes, sought answers and learned to never give up.

It’s through this self-realization that I am where I’m supposed to be right at this moment.  It’s a never ending, constantly changing state that I’m okay with.  Why? Because it’s my life.

So don’t be so influenced by other people’s place in life that you neglect your own.  You have a destiny that needs to be fulfilled by none other than you.  So go out into the world and epically fail so that you can tremendously succeed at what you were meant to be!

Navigating the Unknown

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Midlife Reflections #5

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Looking back on everything I’ve done in my life, whether it be good or bad, there are definitely things that I would’ve done very differently.  But I guess that’s how we all would feel if given the power of hindsight.  Some would say that what we did was supposed to happen in order for us to learn a lesson or set us on the right path to where we’re going to end up. 

For someone like me who’s a control freak, especially when it comes to my choice of jobs, it’s truly frustrating when you’ve made a bad choice.  After making that critical decision, whether intentionally, hastily or ill-informed, it feels like an eternity trying to get my life back on track.  Everything seems to be in overdrive just to get back to normalcy; but now every turn, every move I make I second guess myself. 

“I shouldn’t have done this!”

“What the hell was I thinking?!”

“What have I gotten myself into?!”

“Am I going to get out of this jam? And when!?”

All these thoughts run a continuous loop in my head and I beat myself up over making that error in judgement.  We’re all human, but I have high expectations of myself and feel like the whole world just came crashing down on me.  I feel trapped with no option in sight.  

We talk to our family and friends about our predicament to get their advice but it turns into a therapy session where we pour our hearts out in hopes of a quick and easy solution.  We’ve all been there…and we’ll all go there again. 

The one thing that keeps me afloat is the prospect of something better on the horizon.  Yeah, I don’t know how long it’ll take to reach that destination but the idea of finding something better keeps that hope alive.  AND I always hold out for hope!  I always err on the side of positivity.  Why?  Because at my lowest point, that’s all I can do.  It’s much better than the alternative; I can’t just give up.  Throwing in the towel and being resigned to the fact that I failed somehow is not an option. 

There is always a way out of every predicament I put myself in.  Strength and faith is all I need to have to know that it’ll all work out in the end.  Nothing’s impossible to overcome, I just have to be willing to take the first step forward…AND I just did.    

When It Feels Scary To Jump…

While channel surfing couple years ago, I happened upon a channel that featured a 2014 movie called “A Most Violent Year”.  Although I consider myself a movie buff, I’ve never really heard of this movie until that one fateful day.  I won’t tell you what the plot was because I stumbled upon it and really didn’t watch it till the end.  But I did happen upon a scene where a man by the name of Abel Morales said “When it feels scary to jump, that is exactly when you jump, otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life.”

This one line totally resonated with me and I just had to write it down.  I turned off the TV and soaked in those words.  I took it to heart and it quickly became etched within my subconscious.  You could almost say that I had an epiphany of some sorts.

This one quote, this one line from a movie I have never seen told me that in life, you need to take chances regardless of the outcome.  There are times when you’ll succeed and there are times when you’ll fail, but you must learn from it in order to grow into the person that you were meant to be.  Life is too short to play is safe, it needs to be explored with eyes wide open.  Life if full of endless possibilities with the potential to be great.

I took this to heart and felt that I needed to try anything even if it took me out of my comfort zone.  I lived by the code of being open to different things; doing so would broaden my horizons both mentally and physically.  Living by this way of thinking helped me to try different things; just facing the impossible or the uncomfortable with complete abandonment.  Living this way made me realize that to do these things require both strength and faith; the will to pursue what your heart desires with the self-confidence to know that you’ll achieve something positive from it regardless of the results.

Ever since then, I’ve been bestowed with nothing but great outcomes.  I dared to take a chance and came out a winner so to speak; I count my blessings everyday for doing so.  So if you are faced with doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, go all in and bet on yourself.  The first step will be scary, terrifying even…but the end results will be much more rewarding.  Take that leap and dare to be great!

Midlife Reflections #4

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How do you deal with change?  Especially the life changing ones.  This has been weighing on my mind the past couple of days.  In the past, when I was much younger, this was never a concern; in fact I enjoyed experiencing change.

As I got older, I got married, had children, found a secure job. I found a daily routine that made my life simple.  I was content with the way things were in my life and for a person that likes control…I was in heaven.

Now all of a sudden, I’m changing jobs. Going from a good paying job to something that is much less but with great benefits.  On top of that, opportunities are presenting themselves to where my passion, my dream, can become a reality.

My younger self would’ve been thrilled with what’s going on.  Welcoming the change, the unpredictability.  But my present self and my current state of mind is a bit hesitant.  Don’t get me wrong, a part of me is really excited but three quarters of me is not.  Fearing the unknown is truly terrifying.

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You would’ve thought that through all my years, all of my accumulated experiences would prepare me for this.  But it never does.  The only thing that I’ve learned was that sometimes you got to take a leap of faith into the unknown.

It might work out, it might not.  It’s a chance that I have to take.  I’ve always learn to bet on myself to endure whatever life threw at me.  It’s so cliché to say this, but as long as my family and friends are there for support, advice and guidance, change can be bearable.

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It’s a given that change will always happen.  We will always be both excited and scared from it but we should have the confidence in ourselves to know that we’ll get through it.  Possibilities for great things are there if we just take a chance.

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To Change or Not To Change

In the past, I’ve always embraced change because I felt it made you a better person for learning how to cope and adapt.  Our brains are wired to do the same things over and over again, whether it be good or bad, tedious or fun.

It’s never an easy task to handle but it pushes you out of your comfort zone and tests your strength and mettle. I thrived in the face of change because it snapped me out of my rut. It was different, it was new and I got to think outside the box.

Currently I’ve made a life changing decision to resign from my job of 12 years to work for a non-profit organization.  I was absolutely excited for the opportunity to do something that was both rewarding and satisfying at the same time.

Now I’m counting down my final days at my current work place, feeling nostalgic in the process.  My co-workers are sad but happy that I’ll be moving on to something better.

As I wait for the unknown, I find it quite difficult to accept the change that’s about to occur.  Thoughts of doubt creep into my mind.  “Am I making a mistake?” is all that is echoing throughout my conscious.

To do something for 12 years and then starting over from scratch is a terrifying thought…especially at my age.  This is truly overwhelming for me to handle.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve had sleepless nights this past week and will probably get even more in the coming days to follow.

My therapy was to confide in my co-workers about what I’m feeling; free psychological advice from people with various life experiences.

All exude positivity which help to sort of subdue what I’m feeling.  It was helping for a moment until I asked a co-worker who I found work for the same organization (for only 6 months)that I’m off to start a new career in.

Her experience was not pleasant, more like toxic.  “WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” was my first response.  Then “OH MY GOD! DID I JUST MAKE A HUGE MISTAKE!” blared like an EMS siren in my head.

She assured me that it was 10 years ago that she had worked there and her experience wasn’t pleasant because of the type of person she is.  She insisted that my experience might not be like that, so I needn’t worry.

Too late, the seeds of doubt had been planted and could not be shaken.  When I confided in my other co-workers of her experience, they echoed the same sentiment that it might not be like that for me.

So here I am now with conflicting emotions, wondering what I will encounter in the next chapter of my life.  The battle between experiencing a great opportunity versus making a huge mistake will continue until I walk through the doors of my new job.

Until then, I just need to try and live in the moment; soak up as much good memories as I can with the friends that I’ve made and take that feeling on into the unknown.