A Tribute to Harold

Although my friend has long passed, for some reason I was thinking about him today and wished that my children could’ve met him.  I wrote a poem about him that best describes what he meant to me.

We were young and so new

when we started work at the store,

learning the business fast

was really a chore

We were clumsy, awkward,

and a little bit naive,

but you put your faith in us

and made us believe

In time we grew smart

with each passing day,

you lent us your wisdom

through the stories you say

In you we saw a role model

with all the qualities of the heart,

you were generous, kind, humorous, helpful

to all of us from the start

Though you left us way too early

your traits in us were sown

Let one message come to mind

and let it be known

We wish you the best in Heaven

in whatever you do,

We give you our love

and will surely miss you

So here is our gift,

so special, so true,

It symbolizes our love

to a friend we found in you.

An exam by any other name

Exam1

The other day I was going through all my e-mails and de-cluttering my account by deleting all of the old stuff.  What I came across was an e-mail back in 7/15/2010 that I sent to my friends and co-workers about my first time prostate examination experience.  As I read through it, I vividly relived that moment and thought to myself “Did I really go through that ordeal?!”

I remembered dreading that day but in hindsight I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off for writing it down and sharing a “private” moment with others.  And now I’d like to share it with those that stumble across my blog post for this week.

Here you go:

“I can now say that I’ve officially had something shoved up my butt for the first time in my life.  It was an experience to say the least.  How’d it go you say, well…

 I brought my family with me to my appointment for peace of mind, not that it helped any cause all I could think of was the inevitable.  As usual, I got called in for a pre-check: weigh in, temperature, high blood pressure and then was sent back out to wait.  On any other visit that would be fine but today it was hell.  Visions of what to expect raced through my mind…would it hurt, how long would the drilling be, would it hurt, what position am I gonna be in, would it hurt…things of that nature.

 When I got called in and led to my examination room, I thought to myself “Everyone goes through this type of examination in some shape or form.  So cowboy up and get it done!” 

 As I was waiting in the exam room, the cowboy got the hell outta Dodge and I was left with my own thoughts again.

 My doctor came in, as usual all smiles, and I was ready to do this.  He began by opening up my records and talking about the results of my blood test…LDL, HDL levels, the kidneys, the liver and so on and so forth.  Asked how I was doing, my workout routine, nutrition, any problems with vision, hearing, bowel movements.  What the hell is with all of this talking?!  Can’t we just do it and then talk later? 

 The doctor, still all smiles, went through the usual routine of checking the eyes, ears, nose, throat, breathing, reflexes, feeling lymph nodes and all over my mid-section.  At this point in time, all that I could compare this examination to was the routine of sex.  Yes, even at a juncture like this that “every 7 seconds” rule is still present.  (According to studies, men think about sex every 7 seconds…yeah right, as if.  More like 5 in my opinion.) The talking at the beginning was chit chat, and now all this touchy feely thing is fore play. 

 Finally when he was satisfied, he opened a drawer and started laying some contents onto a table.  A roll of toilet paper which he unravelled, a little packet, gloves and a tube of surgical lubricant from which he squeezed a big glob.  KA-PACK!…on went the gloves and “Take off your pants” was heard.  I briefly saw his face and what pissed me off a little was that he was still all smiles.  What a frickin’ bastard!

Exam4

 He told me to turn around, face the wall, and bend down and put my elbows on the bed.  “Holy shit here we go!”  For a nano-second, I remembered that just the other night on cable, I had seen a scene like this on a soft core porn movie.  (Every 7 seconds again.) 

 As he spread my butt cheeks, all I could think about was trying to find “my happy place.”   As that finger went in, any hopes of finding “my happy place” went out the door.  Although it lasted for about 5-7 seconds, the theory of relativity kicked in and it felt longer.  He put a sample of stool onto the packet and the result was negative.  My prostate was normal and I don’t have anything to worry about; he showed me a model of what he was doing while he was playing roto-rooter. 

 With that he wanted to schedule me for another exam like this next year.  Next year?!  I asked him that if I had nothing to worry about why do I have to come back again.  Couldn’t this be done every 5 years?  I guess when you pass 40 these things need to be done.  Shit–fine then! 

 I left the room, walking just slightly different than how I came in, and feeling a bit strange for the experience.  No wait…that was just an urge to wipe off all that excess lube still in my butt crack. 

 Anyway I just wanted to share and figured it would be therapeutic to let it all out.”

In a rush…just DON’T FORGET to FLUSH!!!

toilet The toilet…
something that is commonplace in all of our lives.  Day in and day out we do our business in it, whether it be “number 1” or “number 2” OR “number 3”.  “Number 3” is what I’d refer to as either puking your guts out from a horrendous night of drinking or from a bout of the dreaded flu.  We know this contraption oh so well; some would even call it our friend.  That’s fine.  We do our business, wipe and then flush…all in that order.

There are times when a family member, spouse or roommate forgets that last particular and “crucial” step…FLUSH.  We’ve all encountered that, don’t you dare deny it.  You go in to the bathroom, lift up the toilet cover and…BAM!  Poop staring right at you.  You cringe in slight disgust and flush it.  But because it’s at home we tend to let it go and complete that step for them before we “really need to go.” It’s disgusting but forgivable.

It’s even understandable to encounter this in public restrooms at the mall, restaurants, dive bars and “little hole in the wall” diners.  We just accept the fact that there are people out there that don’t give a rip who uses the toilet after them.

My one annoyance however is when this happens at the workplace.  You know…the employee restroom that you and all your co-workers share.  You go in ready to do your thing and…WHAM! There it is staring at you in the face, in the midst of the shredded toilet paper…a giant turd in the bowl.  Lucky you.

It’s even more hard to stomach if the person before you had the “runs”.  Seeing that murky cesspool with bits of food particles all floating there just makes you want to vomit and contribute to that mess.

Thoughts race through your minds as to who did this; who was the culprit that I passed on my way into the men’s bathroom or the women’s bathroom.  Don’t you dare deny that.  Some of the times we pass the person leaving the bathroom and encounter their poop in all its glorified form.

I then start to wonder how could they not remember to flush.  Did we forget what the “whoosh” sounds like!?  Are we so consumed with outside things that we imagined hearing the toilet flush!?  This just irritates me to no end.

Don’t even get me started on when to know to do the “double flush”…you know what I mean.  You flush once but there is still some left over poop that just won’t go down or remnants of that muddy diarrhea water still remaining.  Some just flush, which I commend, but they don’t stay to see if the toilet bowl water is clear of their mess.

I would be so embarrassed if I left anything behind in the toilet bowl and passed one of my co-worker who is just entering the bathroom.  They would be the recipient of my unwanted present.

Granted there are times when it’s just pee; I can stomach that as can most of you.

All I can say is that you keep this phrase in mind, if you don’t want your co-workers giving you nauseating side looks.

Even if you’re in a rush…toilet_flushing
please just “DON’T FORGET TO FLUSH!”